Let’s face it having sex in a car is fun and thrilling, and sometimes an adventure trying to figure it all out, so here is a guide to help you out.
Ok let’s cover the most common vehicle types, and their options:
Fornication Location Class 1: Mid-to-Full-Size Sedans/Coupes (with at least a bench rear seat)
These are very common, and the answer is fairly easy: get in the back. A bench rear seat allows for the largest variety of options, and most of the major humanly-achievable sexual positions are available.
Pros: Relatively easy, common
Cons: Limited headroom limits some options
Fornication Location Class 2: Compact to Sub-Compact 4-Seater cars (with at least one bench seat)
Also a very common option, these cars work similarly to the mid-to-full sedans, but the much more restricted space brings up new challenges. The optimal location is the back seat, but unlike full-sized sedans, you really need to move the front seats as far forward as possible, and likely fold the front backrests forward as well (for 2-door cars that allow this for rear-seat entry).
Also, on little cars, you’ll make much greater use of grab handles and straps. For example, on vintage Beetles and many other cars, there are these passenger assist straps that look sort of like gynecological foot straps. Which should give an idea of how handy they can be. Use them to help maneuver, support your weight, etc. Almost all cars have at least some of these, usually above the side windows, so make sure to employ them.
Pros: Easy to find secluded parking, very intimate. Ability to brace against car body may offer interesting options.
Cons: Pretty cramped in there. High probability of sprains and car parts getting in on the fun.
Fornication Location Class 3: Wagons, hearses, wagon-based delivery vehicles
Easy! Fold down the back seat, and you’ve got essentially a bed! Some blankets can be great if you happen to have some, but they’re not essential. There’s restricted headroom, so keep that in mind— most positions will by necessity tend to be more horizontal.
Pros: Easy, comfortable
Cons: It’s probably your mom’s wagon.
Fornication Location Class 4: Vans (even minivans), enclosed trucks
Are you kidding? You barely have to plan anything. I’ve had friends in NYC apartments with less room for fucking than you’d have in almost any van. Pretty much everything works here that doesn’t require special large apparatuses or heavy equipment. Have fun.
Pros: It’s basically a sex-room on wheels. Why do you think these were so popular in the ‘70s?
Cons: Pedos know this as well.
Fornication Location Class 5: Two-seater enclosed cars, or larger cars without bench seating anywhere
Things get trickier here. some cars don’t have rear benches, exactly, but a pile of clothes or something can cover the non-seat middle and make it close enough — the Porsche Panamera is an example of this. But some just won’t work this way— there’s only bucket seats available. In these cases. you’ll need to limit your positioning to combinations that allow two of you in one seat, or permit one partner to bridge the non-seat area. Be wary of parking brake levers and gearshifts! Those things can hurt.
Pros: These cars usually often can make people want to have sex with you in the first place.
Cons: It’s really, really tight in there. You could end up Siamese’d.
Fornication Location Class 6: Convertibles, Roadsters, And Other Open Vehicles (including open-bed pickup trucks)
With these, the issue becomes more about where you’re parking than where in the car you’re playing. A closed car can at least pretend to be a private space — an open Miata, though, would be like having sex in a horse trough. Not private at all.
So, for these cars, the physical options are greater, since headroom is infinite, and you can use rollbars and windshield frames, etc to help support things. You’re more having sex on the car than in it with these, and while that can work, be wary of hot and/or cold metal surfaces on tender bare skin.
Pickup trucks fit in this category because the logistics are more based on overall location as well— that open bed gives you as much flexibility as a van, but with zero privacy. Also, blankets are probably a good idea for a truck bed, which will likely be hot or cold, and often filled with uncomfortable ridges. And probably leaves, beer cans, screws, nails, sawblades, angry raccoons, etc.
Pros: In the right environment, this can be incredible.
Cons: Having “F-150″ burned backwards on your ass.
The etiquette rules aren’t too dissimilar from any consensual sexual encounter, but there are a few special considerations:
• Help each other find clothes afterwards. A dark, steamy car isn’t the easiest place to find anything in, and chances are good you and your partner’s clothes weren’t nicely folded and placed on the package shelf. So be a gentlewhatever and help feel around for clothes— don’t just grab your own hot pants and tube top and get dressed on your own— help out.
• If it’s your car, accept the possibility of fluids in your car beforehand. Look, if you’re having sex in your car, you need to accept there’s a very good chance that some manner of human-produced liquids will end up on your upholstery or headliner or carpet. That’s just part of the game. So don’t get all crazy if you find emissions on your rich, Corinthian leather or luxuriant crushed velour.
• The car’s owner needs to drive the partner to an agreed-upon location. It can be back home, the next rest stop, to a shared home, to their car, whatever, but no ditching your sex partner afterwards. That’s just rude.