Life doesn’t get much better than when a naked, satisfied woman is sleeping in your bed. “Men think sex was great if they had an orgasm and their partner seemed happy,” says MH sex advisor Debby Herbenick. But women set the bar much higher.
“For us, great sex means it felt good, it didn’t hurt, you cared about our orgasm, and we felt a connection to you,” she says. Big difference, right? So we asked our trusted sexperts for their favourite intimacy-boosting strategies. Start here for a night neither of you will ever forget.
GIVE BORING THE FINGER
The more sensation the better, of course. “A few of my bisexual women friends told me that they were shocked by how few straight men used their fingers when giving oral,” says sociologist Jennifer Gunsaullus. Stroke the vulva, tease the entrance to her vagina, slip your fingers inside, and touch her G-spot, all while working on her clitoral area with your mouth.
KISS HER. JUST BECAUSE
If you kiss or cuddle her only as a precursor to sex, she’ll see these displays as tools you’re using to seduce her, explains Donald Strassberg, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Utah. And she may be right. “For many women, and even many men, it’s important that demonstrations of affection not be limited to foreplay,” he adds. So linger on that goodbye kiss in the morning or that neck massage while she’s driving.
Bonus points for post-boink, pre-snoring affection – it gives you a unique opportunity to shore up your bond with her. In a Canadian study, partners who spent more time kissing, cuddling and talking after a romp reported greater satisfaction in the sack and with their relationship overall.
STREAM PORN SHE’LL ACTUALLY LIKE
Redefine what you consider a chick flick: studios such as Dane Jones (billed as “sensually explicit creative erotica”) and Nubile Films (“capturing the essence of sensuality”) are changing porn for the better with videos that emphasise intimate acts of foreplay and teasing, says Herbenick.
And unlike old-school videos, they depict typical-looking women actually enjoying consensual, healthy sex with their partners. MakeLoveNotPorn is another great, couples-friendly resource.
TAKE IT OUT OF FIFTH GEAR
“I can’t emphasize this point enough,” says Gunsaullus. “Women take a much longer time than men do – up to 20 minutes – to generate enough bloodflow to their genitals and produce enough lubrication for sex to feel pleasurable.”
So if you’re touching her clitoris in any way, busting out a new sex toy, stroking her G-spot, or inserting a finger anywhere before she’s ready for it, you’re just grinding her gears. “Women aren’t able to experience the full potential of pleasure if you move too quickly – in fact, it could actually be painful,” says Gunsaullus.
BE A CLITORAL CONNOISSEUR
Most guys know the little nubbin above her vagina, but much more lies beneath the surface. “The clitoris is huge,” says urogynecologist Dr Rachel Pauls. It’s 7.5cm to 10cm long and arcs like a wishbone underneath the lips.
Spread the love: gently rub around her clitoris and press lightly on her labia. You’re doing it right if her skin swells and turns red. Then tease the nub. When you’re ready to enter, aim for the front wall of her vagina where the top of her clitoris lies. (Some researchers believe the famed G-spot is actually the top of the hidden clitoris.)
Doggy-style sex can help you reach it. If you prefer missionary, elevate her butt on a pillow – your pelvises will rub together to stimulate the gland gently from the outside as you tickle it inside.