Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, a term that is usually associated with out-of-control children, has a completely different, darker and more destructive meaning to me. It has taken hold of my marriage and shaken it so forcibly that I am not sure I can even find all the pieces to put it back together.
I am married to a man with ADHD and I am on a rollercoaster ride from hell.
My husband has an obsession with sex, perhaps an addiction even. He can never have enough sex and the sex we have never meets his unreasonably high standards. He gets bored so easily that trying to satisfy him feels like mission impossible. He demands sex at least twice a day, every day, without any concern for whether I am tired, sick or even in the mood.
He is always wanting to try new things. New positions, sexy outfits, bondage, role-playing, whips and chains, sex in public, threesomes – you name it, we’ve done it. Keeping up with his antics is driving me mad!
And that isn’t even the end of it, my husband watches so much porn that it simply has to be pathological. He neglects his responsibilities at home and at work because he is so distracted with watching his dirty little videos. He has even been caught watching porn and masturbating in his office at work! How disgustingly humiliating must it have been for the intern who walked in on that???
He tries to hide the extent of it from me, but I know that the reason he is up all night in his study really isn’t because his boss has given him another deadline. A quick look at his search history shows that he spends up to six or seven hours a day on porn sites and sex chat rooms.
His crazy behaviour has pushed our marriage to the brink. I know that there have been other women whilst we have been married. I am not stupid. How would one woman ever be enough for a man like this?
He is one of the most absent fathers I have ever come across. Our friends have jokingly asked me if he even knows his kids’ names. The extent of his obsession means that spending time with his two children has just never been a priority.
In a desperate attempt to save our destructive marriage, I started researching his behaviour on the internet. Apparently obsessive sexual behaviour is quite common in adults with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder.
Online medical sites say that often adults with ADHD can be either hyper-sexual or hypo-sexual. My husband is hyper-sexual – he needs way more sexual satisfaction and stimulation than a normal person. Others with ADHD can be hypo-sexual; they are not interested in sex or cannot perform sexually and therefore avoid sex almost entirely.
Because they are easily bored and have difficulty communicating, adults with ADHD can be known to struggle hold meaningful relationships at the best of times. At worst, the release of endorphins during sex becomes so addictive that it becomes the pinnacle focus of their existence.
Apparently hyper-sexuality and sex addiction in people with ADHD can be treated and managed with therapy but I just don’t know if I can do this any longer. His ADHD has made him a bad father, a cheater, a disappointment as a husband and a dirty fetishist.
Am I a terrible person for wanting to walk away from a man because of his ADHD?
Name withheld for privacy reasons